I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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