i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My penis needs a shock collar
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
