My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize