There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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