Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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