We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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