Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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