i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
