i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
