The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
