do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize