A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
