This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
