I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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