Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
