I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
