Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
