I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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