Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
this is an emotional support booty call
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize