Betty ford says i'm here all night
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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