Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
