i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
