I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
