New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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