he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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