1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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