just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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