Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
