The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
