I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
