Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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