he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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