My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
