So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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