why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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