wanna go halves on a baby?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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