Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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