Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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