I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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