When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
