I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
