im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
