If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
