I can text with my tongue
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize