dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
