I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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