guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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