I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
