I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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