At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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