I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
