How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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