So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
