he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
