you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You are the jesus of drinking
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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